Distorted Thinking That We All Do When We're Not At Our Best - "The False Idea of Fairness"

This kind of distorted thinking takes legal and contractual agreements and rules and applies them to personal relationships. The trouble is that rarely do two people agree on what fair is - and there is no judge or arbitrator or mediator to help them come to that agreement.

Fairness is a subjective judgment of what and how much is expected, needed or hoped for from the other person. It usually comes off as self-serving because each person gets locked into their own point of view. The result is usually a stand-off where neither person can win through the growing resentment.

Here are the things that are typically said if you are caught in a false idea of fairness: "If he really loved me, he'd help me clean the house" or "If this were a real marriage, she would run marathons with me and learn to love it as much as I do" or "If they really valued my work here, they'd get me a bigger office."

It's easy to make assumptions about how things would change if people were only fair or really valued you. But the other person hardly ever sees it in the same way and you end up causing yourself a lot of pain.

What area of your life or what current or past situation may be causing you angst due to false ideas of fairness? What is another way to look at it?

Next Week: Distorted Thinking - Shoulds